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Trump announces cabinet nominees. - Rounding up the Usual Suspects
Steve's Livejournal
Trump announces cabinet nominees.
Trump announces cabinet nominees.

Secretary of State Paul Manafort 1
Secretary of the Treasury Sam Brownback 2
Secretary of Defense Tom Cotton 3
Attorney General Pam Bondi 4
Secretary of the Interior Don Blankenship 5
Secretary of Agriculture Undecided 6
Secretary of Commerce Eric Trump 7
Secretary of Labor Scott Walker 8
Secretary of Health and Human Services Pfizer Corporation 9
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Donald Trump Jr 7
Secretary of Transportation Chris Christie 10
Secretary of Energy James Inhofe 11
Secretary of Education Bobby Jindal 12
Secretary of Veterans Affairs Mark Kirk 13
Secretary of Homeland Security Joe Arpaio 14
Surgeon General Ben Carson 15

Transcripts of statements:

1 "My former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, has worked with foreign leaders around the world. Jonas Savimbi of Angola, Ferdinand Marcos of the Philippines, Mobutu Sese Seko of Zaïre. Do they still call it Zaïre? Viktor Yanukovych of Ukraine, Siad Barre of Somalia, and all the best people Dominican Republic, Equatorial Guinea, Nigeria, and Kenya – Obama's homeland. He'll be the greatest Secretary of State ever!"

2 "Sam Brownback cleaned up the financial disaster the Democrats left him in Kansas. He knows all there is to know about balancing budgets. Since I can't be both Secretary of the Treasury and President, he gets the job."

3 "I can't think of anyone better qualified for Secretary of Defense than Tom Cotton. He has a great plan to stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons. He can put the military in charge of the Mexican border until the Wall is finished. He fought ISIS in Iraq and Afghanistan for his entire military career. He's just the guy to wipe them out."

4 "I work with all the best lawyers, and Pam Bondi is one of my favorites. And she's a pretty hot [unintelligible], for her age. She'll be a great Attorney General."

5 "Don Blankenship is the best guy I know to make our public lands the greatest in the world, as Secretary of the Interior. He's made a lot of money making American coal great again, with the safest coal mines in the world, and he can make all American mining great again."

6 "I don't know. Mike [Pence] can figure that one out."

7 "Nobody knows commerce and housing better than the Trump family, so my son Eric will be Secretary of Commerce and my son Donald Junior will be Secretary of Housing [and Urban Development]. Ivanka will run the Trump Organization, including our new 'Trump Projects' subsidiary for the blacks."

8 "Scott Walker did the best job with labor problems in Wisconsin, so he's a great fit for Secretary of Labor. I talked with Governor Snyder of Michigan too, but I think he'll be a better fit for the EPA."

9 "The Citizens United decision proved that corporations are people too, so I'm nominating the Pfizer Corporation to be Secretary of Health and Human Services. They'll be great. And they're giving me a lifetime supply of Viagra as a thank you gift."

10 "Chris Christie is a great friend and one of my earliest supporters, so I owe him a big favor. He really knows how to deal with traffic, so he'll be a great Secretary of Transportation."

11 "James Inhofe is from Oklahoma, an important energy state, and he hasn't fallen for that Chinese climate change propaganda stuff. He's fantastic for Secretary of Energy."

12 "Bobby Jindal made education great in Louisiana, and I couldn't find a Mexican who wanted the job, but he's close enough. He can do great things as Secretary of Education."

13 "Mark Kirk has a Purple Heart and Officer of the Year from his service in Iraq, and it looks like that crippled Chinese girl is going to steal his Senate seat, so I'm going to make him Secretary of Veterans' Affairs."

14 "Joe Arpaio is the most famous Arizona sheriff since Wyatt Earp, and he doesn't let political correctness get in the way of border security, so if he wants the job of Secretary of Homeland Security, it's his."

15 "Ben Carson is a great doctor and a credit to his race. I'm even going to declare Surgeon General an honorary cabinet office because he's the best black I know."

In case it isn't obvious, this is satire. I wish it were not so vulgar, but it's impossible to properly satirize Trump without including some bigotry. I've marked a lot of the satirical points with links; I hope the ones that aren't marked are obvious.

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2 comments or Leave a comment
From: axisofpeter Date: November 3rd, 2016 01:26 am (UTC) (Link)


Very funny!

When I got to Pam Bondi, I practically spewed out my drink. Fortunately, when I got to Eric Trump for Secretary of Commerce,I was sure it was a joke.
steve98052 From: steve98052 Date: November 14th, 2016 06:18 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks. I'm glad this made someone laugh. I couldn't resist a reference to "Corporations are people too" (even if that was originally a Romney line), so I think Pfizer is my favorite.
2 comments or Leave a comment